.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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