I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
