I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
