I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Randomize
