my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
These tits shall not be calmed
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