my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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