you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
