Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
