she woke up with a sticky ear
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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