i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I skipped work to stalk him.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
