thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
