do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
