Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
