Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
