Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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