Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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