btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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