i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
