My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
