btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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