over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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