You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
