I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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