i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
