Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
