So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
