I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
