This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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