Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
