I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
