How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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