They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
