Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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