Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
