can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
