i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
