My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
