Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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