I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
