this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
