I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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