hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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