I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
