Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
