Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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