i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
What a dumb baby whore.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Randomize