I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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