I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You are the jesus of drinking
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
