he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
