I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
